Ask a Troll

Anonymous asked: Why do furries exist?

What would possess a perfectly normal human to start thinking that:

• Twisted human-animal hybrids are hot;
• They have some sort of spirit animal, or “fursona”;
• Drawing porn of various animal species getting it on in human-like ways is a good use of time.

Well, in truth, the principles behind furrydom are long-established in culture. For thousands of years, warriors have associated themselves with animals. Consider the Norse berserkers: they wore pelts of animals, typically bears, as if it gave them higher powers. Indeed, the etymology of the word berserker comes from the Norse words ber (bear) and serkr (shirt). Similarly, the Aztecs had elite military units called Jaguar Warriors (no points for guessing who their spirit animals were). Animals represented various areas of life for ancient people; bears and wolves stood for power, while cattle and chickens suggested a sense of peace and domesticity.

It is entirely possible that modern-day furries echo those old traditions. Ancient people associated themselves with animals to associate themselves with the animal’s traits. Perhaps furries are simply tapping into those instincts, which modern society has repressed to the point of vestigiality.

But seriously, how low can you go? Given the sheer badassery of ancient animalistic warriors, it’s shameful that the modern-day furry movement is their legacy. If you want to be like an animal, perhaps you should stop drawing furry fanart and start being awesome. Go hunt a zebra with your bare hands or something.

I had to post this.

Anonymous asked: Where is my moustache?

Anonymous asked: So, my girlfriend and I have been going steady for the past year.

I hate her now. What's the best way to break up, hopefully humiliating?

Well, think of the best way that your girlfriend could humiliate you.

No, it’s not pantsing in public, unless you’re self-conscious about the size of your member.

No, you need to make her feel as rejected as possible. And the best way to do that is via a marriage proposal.

Go buy the ring, take her to a public spot, and propose. Her jaw will drop. Bystanders will look on with a look of approval; they’ll wait for her to say yes so that they can start levying the compliments.

And when she says yes…

Enjoy the disapproval, and try not to get lynched.

Anonymous asked: Most humans believe in a higher being. What drives this belief?

So time to go on a quick diatribe about religion.

Religion has served many purposes throughout human history, but I think the first was probably a sort of reassurance. Way back when, the world was probably a much scarier place than it is today. Our ancestors had no way of understanding the processes that caused an earthquake or a volcanic eruption. They didn’t have radar; they never had several days’ advance warning about incoming hurricanes. That said, religion provided explanations as to why events, which would otherwise seem random, occurred. If an earthquake occurred, one could simply blame it on the gods being angry; likewise, high winds could be attributed to divine flatulence, etc.

Primitive religions, like mysticism, are by nature decentralized. With the advent of larger societies, organized religion began to take hold, which is when the focus of religion shifted from reassurance to power. Large religions wield an absurd amount of power. For instance, the Catholic Church pretty much ran Europe for most of a millennium; their coffers are still packed full of money from tithes and church taxes levied by otherwise modern countries like Germany. Mecca, which is a pretty lame city in the middle of the desert, became a prime tourist spot for devout Muslims.

So let’s get back to the original question. What drives belief?

You can’t exactly pin the answer down precisely, since different people have different rationales, and these rationales have changed through history.

The first option is that, like our long-gone ancestors, people feel the need to have an explanation for things. It’s hard to stomach the idea that things can just happen spontaneously. A prime example of this is evolution. Evolution’s a pretty elegant idea, and I’m quite convinced of its legitimacy, but even then, I sometimes am awed by the sheer complexity of the living world. It’s hard to believe that it could have just evolved on its own without some sort of unseen, guiding hand. Religion conveniently provides an explanation for this kind of stuff, and for other natural phenomena.

The second option is that people just readily subscribe to bullshit they see/hear. I’m sure people can be convinced of a higher being by watching televangelists and faith healers. These people are also likely to think that “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary.

Finally - and this probably applies to the majority of religious people - we have childhood brainwashing. Once someone is raised religious by their parents (who were presumably also raised religious by their parents), it’s tough to shake religious dogma off. As a kid, I was told not to touch books with my feet, and even though I know that it makes no sense, I instinctively avoid doing it.

In short: this belief is driven by a drunk guy without a seatbelt.

Anonymous asked: How does I kiss girl?

Let Captain Kirk demonstrate the proper technique.

Anonymous asked: Hey, you wanna know a website that hardly updates? Answer: VG Cats!

Oh, and this place to. You too noob to update or somethin'?

Yeah, yeah, shut up. I have 86 questions in the queue, waiting to be answered; I’ve just been outrageously lazy. Now that I have nothing better to do, it’s time to get this place going again. 

Though comparing this site to VG Cats? That’s low, man. That’s really low. I ain’t no furry, brah. More on furries in a later post.

Anonymous asked: I declare this site dead

This:

Need I say more? :)

Anonymous asked: What is troll?

Baby don’t ask me…

Don’t ask me…

No more.

Anonymous asked: Do you like Twilight?

Who doesn’t? I mean, look at that guy’s ABS.