Ask a Troll

Anonymous asked: Why do people make weapons of mass destruction?

Because they sell - and how! Look no further than this guy:

This (and this is assuming you’re American) is America, and in America, we’re fat. 65% of us are considered overweight or obese, if Wikipedia is to be believed. But for once, we ain’t proud of this all-American trait. So how do you get an hourglass figure when you resemble something more like a barrel?

You destroy a lot of mass. Body mass.

Weapons of mass destruction sell pretty well, not least because of an incredibly gullible populace that’s willing to buy quack science if it justifies their ways. Hence the popularity of fad diets, such as the Fatkins diet mentioned earlier as well as a slew of other lesser-known and often more draconian diet plans.

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Anonymous asked: ecnedifnoc eslaf evah uoy.

With cryptography skills like yours, it’s a wonder that the NSA hasn’t recruited you yet.

Anonymous asked: Hey, why does your logo (lolgo) flash in hideous subliminal like strangeness for a second when you open the page? It's making me tempted to create Da Vinci Code like assumptions about you.

Picture evidence hear: http://i43.tinypic.com/2a6jjat.jpg

But one of the many secrets that are held in District Troll.

Anonymous asked: Bill O'Reilly told me to hate France. Shall I begin beating them up right now with their own baguettes?

Au contraire! You see, the French have brought us a number of useful innovations that they should be celebrated for.

Imagine that you’re stuck in the middle of the forest and you need to take a dump, but there’s no toilet paper around. What could be more convenient than a porcelain bidet? Plus, it tickles while it cleans!

Sports Illustrated wouldn’t have their swimsuit issue if it wasn’t for the French! The French, after all, invented the bikini and named it after a nuclear test site. How ironic.

And of course, who can forget the guillotine? It’s an indispensable tool for creating that French delicacy, tête d’un noble sur un métal argenté. 

Besides, if you had to beat up the French with their own baguettes, you’d have quite a bit of trouble doing so - they’re surprisingly hard to catch when they’re running away.

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Ask a Troll now has its own domain: www.askatroll.com!

Pass the new link on to the remarkably few people you know if you like the site :)

(picture unrelated)

Anonymous asked: Why has the general public been getting more sensitive and feminine?

Long version: You’re right. The public has been getting more sensitive and feminine… and it’s shameful.

So why is this happening? The answer is this: Lawyers.

You see, in modern society, you can’t just speak your mind any more. You have to be sensitive to other people’s religions, races, and creeds. These days, you have to compromise and settle things peacefully. Blech.

In the old days, if someone irritated you, you could, say, challenge them to a duel or a no rules cage match or a pie-eating contest. Inevitably, the more well-endowed man would win, and the loser would be grievously wounded - or dead.

Then the lawyers came along.

Once they showed up, the losers of these battles had found a trump card at last. They could fight back against their more masculine oppressors through litigation. Slowly, the dominance of the masculine types started to decline.

In other words, in a state of nature, the sensitive and feminine types would have been weeded out through natural selection. Litigation reversed that.

So that’s it for sensitivity. Why femininity?

Sensitivity is generally a more feminine trait than not, but that’s not the only factor involved.

This rise in sensitivity also led to the eventual almost-equality of women with men. Women are, in general, closet lesbians; as such, they like their men to look like ladies. And there’s your answer.

Short version: them gosh darn bleedin’-heart anti-American terrorist-sympathizing Democrats.

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Anonymous asked: This isn't a question, but I feel like it's okay to not ask something, because you're clearly not a troll.

You're answering people's question legitimately, with a hint of presumed wit that you do not actually possess.

This is a god damned "ask an [x]" thread with its own website.

GTFO

I really ought to add you to the writing team here (which, at present, is just this one poor soul).

Anonymous asked: If one rapes a hooker, is it considered stealing?

No, it’s considered rape.

Anonymous asked: You of course realize that this whole system you've created is flawed, seeing as you yourself become a very easy target for trolls. Unless you have a near infinite knowledge of memes, in-jokes, pop-culture reference, and an endless supply of witty retorts to counter anyone who tries to flame or troll you, this is going to end in tears.

inb4 tl;dr

Quite right, dear fellow.

Eventually, I’ll realize the fallacy of my ways. I’ll think of all the hopes I have crushed…or rather, the hopes I think I might have crushed. After all, those who ask questions here are probably trolls themselves, like you, and probably laugh at my seriousness; but then again, am I being serious?

As if that wasn’t TL;DR enough for you, I’m going to keep writing, because I don’t care what you think. :)

You see, from my position right now, I could go either of two ways.

I could first call your bluff and keep on writing Ask a Troll online.

Alternately, I could see all the wrong I have done. Trolling is a dark art; it serves only to boost one’s ego to cover up a broken shell of a life. My eyes will grow teary. A teardrop will fall onto my Macbook’s keyboard and it will short out (cue Mac vs PC flame war).

I will take a double blow: the loss of my dignity and my laptop will be too much for me to bear. I will sell my worldly possessions and move to the Himalayas, where I will live out my days as a sage, imparting my wisdom to all those who care to hear it.

BUT WAIT. I’ll be doing the same thing either way; only in one scenario, I’ll be on top of a cold, barren, windswept mountaintop, and in the other, I’ll be chilling out (metaphorically) in the California sun.

But…

None of that is related to the simple truth of the matter.

This is you:

And this is me.

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Anonymous asked: long version qeustion:

Everybody with even the smallest peice of intellect hates right wing partys (like republicans,nazi's and geert wilders)
If everyone hates them why do they exist and are so damm populair?
Short version;
Why even bohter politics if they cant compromise stuff

Well, I suppose you just answered your “long version qeustion.”

Clearly, the existence of said “right wing partys” indicates that there must be a lot of people with not even the “smallest peice of intellect,” right?

As for why “bohter” politics: they don’t know better. People generally don’t realize that politics doesn’t like to be bothered, much like a sleeping dog (derp derp).

To answer your question about the compromising: take the example of the sleeping dog. You wake him up, he gets angry, and you offer him a bone. He appears satisfied: in other words, you have compromised. BUT that doesn’t make your arse any less tasty for him. It’s quite the same in politics. Compromise is doomed to fail, but it seems like it works. So the fools keep trying to compromise…

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