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Anonymous asked: What causes people to fall out of love?

There are two possible ways.

The first is the fight. These are caused when the town ain’t big enough for the egos of two proud, headstrong lovers.

So in any relationship, there’s probably going to be stress. People are, of course, unique (which brings to mind an old demovational poster: “Always remember that you’re unique - just like everybody else.” But I digress). So the point is, no two people are perfect complements of each other, and there will be tension.

However, humans share another feature besides uniqueness: pride. Mistakes happen, but in a doomed relationship, one or both parties involved will refuse to apologize (presumably because it’s too late to).

So what started as a simple disagreement turns into a war, with nothing less than hard-earned reputations at stake.

And before you know it - breakup. Zing.

The other possibility is the friendzoning breakup, and this is beyond a measly troll such as myself to understand. That’s essentially when one person thinks they’re too good for the other. The person who got friendzoned may console him/herself, though, in the fact that they just dodged a bullet.

Too bad it doesn’t work that way. :(

Comments are now enabled. Have fun, ye mighty, and despair!

Anonymous asked: What's your zombie plan?

“If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.”

Anonymous asked: Do all literary works have a deeper meaning?

Unless you can find a deeper meaning in that, then no.

monojin asked: What is the sociobiological purpose of humour and laughing? Every human emotion has a clear purpose, except this. What makes rapid spastic breathing so useful for perpetuating the species?

Well, from a purely scientific standpoint, laughing does have some benefits. It reduces stress hormone levels, stimulates endorphins, and so on and so forth. As for why spastic breathing causes these effects, I have no idea, so I’ll pull a Sarah Palin and completely gloss over it.

So the question is: Why do we laugh?

For insight, let us consider a quote from Mark Twain’s novella “The Mysterious Stranger,” which was written in the twilight years of the author’s life, when he was a bitterly cynical misanthrope doing whatever bitterly cynical misanthropes do: writing bitterly cynical and misanthropic pieces of literature. The quote is this:

Only laughter can blow [a colossal humbug] to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.

In other words, we laugh to get over problems and/or obstacles (in some cases, those problems are other people). Laughter tears through such things like a rocket-powered bulldozer. How come?

Now let’s consider jokes. The punch line of a good joke always comes as a reasonable surprise - otherwise, it isn’t really a joke. Why do we laugh at jokes?

And sometimes, we laugh to demoralize others (unless you’re laughing with somebody, not at them). Why?

Interestingly, the reasons for laughing are the same in all cases: we laugh in order to make ourselves feel better about our not-so-great existences. In the first case, laughing helps make a situation look absurd, when it may or may not be. In the second case, we laugh at the fact that our lives are better than the person in the joke; it can also be a statement that one is intelligent enough to understand a joke). In the last case, it makes us feel like we’re superior to that poor soul we’re tormenting. Does this sound strange? Well, I’m not making this up.

Besides sounding strange, it may actually sound familiar.

That’s right! What I was talking is essentially an application of the troll’s credo. Laughter is the most powerful tool in the troll’s arsenal; it makes one’s own problems seem absurd or minimal. Laughter, being such a distinctive human emotion, really represents the selfish, individualistic schemer in each of us. Every one of us has a little Ayn Rand inside.

So maybe Twain, that bitterly cynical misanthrope, wasn’t so far off the Mark with the “damned human race” stuff, huh?

Anonymous asked: So would you consider yourself a professional troll?

No. That title would go to Dick Cheney.

Anonymous asked: How long do you take to answer a question?

About 10-20 minutes per question, usually. Except this one, which was 20 seconds.

Anonymous asked: Is disney channel the seed of evil?

No, but it is the seed of destruction for all those who grow famous in the nurturing tutelage of the corporation. Let Dora the Explorer demonstrate:

It’s a sad story that’s been repeated many, many times - Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and now Miley Cyrus.

Now, some would argue that corrupting innocent children is an evil thing to do, and that it is. But while that does make Disney Channel evil, does it make them the seed of evil?

Not quite. What about the people who demand such trash?

Ah, that’s more like it.

Some people would say money is the root of all evil, but I disagree. That’s because money is only evil when it’s used towards evil causes, such as the corruption of innocent children. That means the people who spend money towards evil causes are the most evil of them all.

Such fangirls are full aware that their hard-earned money (rather, their parents’ hard-earned money) is being used to carry out the Disney Channel’s campaign against innocence. So, in this case, they would be the seed of evil.

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Anonymous asked: Why does my hair hurt?

Well, that’s generally not a good thing. Hair is generally made up of dead cells, so it wouldn’t normally hurt.

That means that your hair is alive! That could either mean you’re:

Ney’tiri, with the freaky living hair stuff, or:

Medusa, with snakes for hair, or:

Bob Marley, with his amazing dreadlocks.

Either way, you might want to get that checked out. If the doctor turns to stone, you’re Medusa. If he lights up a joint, you’re Bob Marley.

Anonymous asked: How do you think humanity will end?

Long version: It’s impossible to say exactly how humanity will end, but you can always speculate. Here is a (very) plausible possibility:

First, someone discovers a way to make a nuclear bomb out of baking soda and vinegar. Elementary school science fairs across the nation begin to explode in thermonuclear fireballs.

This is accompanied by an increase in volcanic activity.

At the same time, the stars of Twilight form their own rock band. They collaborate with the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana to write a song mourning the losses from the science fair catastrophe. Midway through a nationally televised concert, Robert Pattinson takes off his shirt (and presumably sparkles too). Preteen girls and middle-aged women fall over dead; the combination of euphoric delight and utter revulsion must have killed them. (Feel like suffering the same fate? Click here - warning: cannot unsee).

Preteen girls are loud - very loud. So when the sound of millions of preteen girls around the world simultaneously screaming disturbs Cthulhu from his slumber at the bottom of the ocean, Cthulhu is mad.

However, he/it is too lazy/tired to go around killing/maiming what’s left of humanity.

Instead he calls on his accomplices, the Drain Monsters, to take care of that. (Drain Monsters are those things that live in your sink that make the gurgling sound as the water goes down). So anyway, when everyone goes to brush their teeth at night, they get a nasty surprise. Soon, everyone in countries that have running water suffers an inglorious fate: death by bathroom sink.

Too bad the President of the United States keeps his doomsday control panel in the bathroom. As he falls over, his head strikes the red button of death.

Right then, there’s a solar-magnetic storm. The entire GPS system is knocked offline.

Without guidance, the missiles (most of which would have been aimed at Russia) fly blind and strike other random spots around the world.

Short version: AND THEN EVERYBODY DIES

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