Ask a Troll

Why do furries exist?

rahultoast — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 04:12:14 -0500

What would possess a perfectly normal human to start thinking that:

Twisted human-animal hybrids are hot;
They have some sort of spirit animal, or “fursona”;
Drawing porn of various animal species getting it on in human-like ways is a good use of time.

Well, in truth, the principles behind furrydom are long-established in culture. For thousands of years, warriors have associated themselves with animals. Consider the Norse berserkers: they wore pelts of animals, typically bears, as if it gave them higher powers. Indeed, the etymology of the word berserker comes from the Norse words ber (bear) and serkr (shirt). Similarly, the Aztecs had elite military units called Jaguar Warriors (no points for guessing who their spirit animals were). Animals represented various areas of life for ancient people; bears and wolves stood for power, while cattle and chickens suggested a sense of peace and domesticity.

It is entirely possible that modern-day furries echo those old traditions. Ancient people associated themselves with animals to associate themselves with the animal’s traits. Perhaps furries are simply tapping into those instincts, which modern society has repressed to the point of vestigiality.

But seriously, how low can you go? Given the sheer badassery of ancient animalistic warriors, it’s shameful that the modern-day furry movement is their legacy. If you want to be like an animal, perhaps you should stop drawing furry fanart and start being awesome. Go hunt a zebra with your bare hands or something.

I had to post this.

rahultoast — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 19:44:49 -0400

I had to post this.

Where is my moustache?

Tue, 02 Nov 2010 19:24:56 -0400

So, my girlfriend and I have been going steady for the past year.

I hate her now. What's the best way to break up, hopefully humiliating?

rahultoast — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 19:22:17 -0400

Well, think of the best way that your girlfriend could humiliate you.

No, it’s not pantsing in public, unless you’re self-conscious about the size of your member.

No, you need to make her feel as rejected as possible. And the best way to do that is via a marriage proposal.

Go buy the ring, take her to a public spot, and propose. Her jaw will drop. Bystanders will look on with a look of approval; they’ll wait for her to say yes so that they can start levying the compliments.

And when she says yes…

Enjoy the disapproval, and try not to get lynched.

Most humans believe in a higher being. What drives this belief?

rahultoast — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 08:19:00 -0400

So time to go on a quick diatribe about religion.

Religion has served many purposes throughout human history, but I think the first was probably a sort of reassurance. Way back when, the world was probably a much scarier place than it is today. Our ancestors had no way of understanding the processes that caused an earthquake or a volcanic eruption. They didn’t have radar; they never had several days’ advance warning about incoming hurricanes. That said, religion provided explanations as to why events, which would otherwise seem random, occurred. If an earthquake occurred, one could simply blame it on the gods being angry; likewise, high winds could be attributed to divine flatulence, etc.

Primitive religions, like mysticism, are by nature decentralized. With the advent of larger societies, organized religion began to take hold, which is when the focus of religion shifted from reassurance to power. Large religions wield an absurd amount of power. For instance, the Catholic Church pretty much ran Europe for most of a millennium; their coffers are still packed full of money from tithes and church taxes levied by otherwise modern countries like Germany. Mecca, which is a pretty lame city in the middle of the desert, became a prime tourist spot for devout Muslims.

So let’s get back to the original question. What drives belief?

You can’t exactly pin the answer down precisely, since different people have different rationales, and these rationales have changed through history.

The first option is that, like our long-gone ancestors, people feel the need to have an explanation for things. It’s hard to stomach the idea that things can just happen spontaneously. A prime example of this is evolution. Evolution’s a pretty elegant idea, and I’m quite convinced of its legitimacy, but even then, I sometimes am awed by the sheer complexity of the living world. It’s hard to believe that it could have just evolved on its own without some sort of unseen, guiding hand. Religion conveniently provides an explanation for this kind of stuff, and for other natural phenomena.

The second option is that people just readily subscribe to bullshit they see/hear. I’m sure people can be convinced of a higher being by watching televangelists and faith healers. These people are also likely to think that “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary.

Finally - and this probably applies to the majority of religious people - we have childhood brainwashing. Once someone is raised religious by their parents (who were presumably also raised religious by their parents), it’s tough to shake religious dogma off. As a kid, I was told not to touch books with my feet, and even though I know that it makes no sense, I instinctively avoid doing it.

In short: this belief is driven by a drunk guy without a seatbelt.

How does I kiss girl?

rahultoast — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 20:31:00 -0400

Let Captain Kirk demonstrate the proper technique.

Hey, you wanna know a website that hardly updates? Answer: VG Cats!

Oh, and this place to. You too noob to update or somethin'?

Mon, 10 May 2010 15:26:32 -0400

Yeah, yeah, shut up. I have 86 questions in the queue, waiting to be answered; I’ve just been outrageously lazy. Now that I have nothing better to do, it’s time to get this place going again.

Though comparing this site to VG Cats? That’s low, man. That’s really low. I ain’t no furry, brah. More on furries in a later post.

I declare this site dead

Mon, 10 May 2010 15:18:41 -0400

This:

Need I say more? :)

What is troll?

Tue, 30 Mar 2010 21:33:00 -0400

Baby don’t ask me…

Don’t ask me…

No more.

Do you like Twilight?

Tue, 23 Mar 2010 15:39:22 -0400

Who doesn’t? I mean, look at that guy’s ABS.

Why do people make weapons of mass destruction?

rahultoast — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 02:44:49 -0400

Because they sell - and how! Look no further than this guy:

This (and this is assuming you’re American) is America, and in America, we’re fat. 65% of us are considered overweight or obese, if Wikipedia is to be believed. But for once, we ain’t proud of this all-American trait. So how do you get an hourglass figure when you resemble something more like a barrel?

You destroy a lot of mass. Body mass.

Weapons of mass destruction sell pretty well, not least because of an incredibly gullible populace that’s willing to buy quack science if it justifies their ways. Hence the popularity of fad diets, such as the Fatkins diet mentioned earlier as well as a slew of other lesser-known and often more draconian diet plans.

Ask me a question! »

ecnedifnoc eslaf evah uoy.

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 20:42:45 -0400

With cryptography skills like yours, it’s a wonder that the NSA hasn’t recruited you yet.

Hey, why does your logo (lolgo) flash in hideous subliminal like strangeness for a second when you open the page? It's making me tempted to create Da Vinci Code like assumptions about you.

Picture evidence hear: http://i43.tinypic.com/2a6jjat.jpg

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 20:42:10 -0400

But one of the many secrets that are held in District Troll.

Bill O'Reilly told me to hate France. Shall I begin beating them up right now with their own baguettes?

rahultoast — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 17:07:00 -0400

Au contraire! You see, the French have brought us a number of useful innovations that they should be celebrated for.

Imagine that you’re stuck in the middle of the forest and you need to take a dump, but there’s no toilet paper around. What could be more convenient than a porcelain bidet? Plus, it tickles while it cleans!

Sports Illustrated wouldn’t have their swimsuit issue if it wasn’t for the French! The French, after all, invented the bikini and named it after a nuclear test site. How ironic.

And of course, who can forget the guillotine? It’s an indispensable tool for creating that French delicacy, tête d’un noble sur un métal argenté.

Besides, if you had to beat up the French with their own baguettes, you’d have quite a bit of trouble doing so - they’re surprisingly hard to catch when they’re running away.

Ask me a question! »

Ask a Troll now has its own domain: www.askatroll.com! Pass the...

rahultoast — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 01:17:01 -0500

Ask a Troll now has its own domain: www.askatroll.com!

Pass the new link on to the remarkably few people you know if you like the site :)

(picture unrelated)

Why has the general public been getting more sensitive and feminine?

rahultoast — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 19:18:00 -0500

Long version: You’re right. The public has been getting more sensitive and feminine… and it’s shameful.

So why is this happening? The answer is this: Lawyers.

You see, in modern society, you can’t just speak your mind any more. You have to be sensitive to other people’s religions, races, and creeds. These days, you have to compromise and settle things peacefully. Blech.

In the old days, if someone irritated you, you could, say, challenge them to a duel or a no rules cage match or a pie-eating contest. Inevitably, the more well-endowed man would win, and the loser would be grievously wounded - or dead.

Then the lawyers came along.

Once they showed up, the losers of these battles had found a trump card at last. They could fight back against their more masculine oppressors through litigation. Slowly, the dominance of the masculine types started to decline.

In other words, in a state of nature, the sensitive and feminine types would have been weeded out through natural selection. Litigation reversed that.

So that’s it for sensitivity. Why femininity?

Sensitivity is generally a more feminine trait than not, but that’s not the only factor involved.

This rise in sensitivity also led to the eventual almost-equality of women with men. Women are, in general, closet lesbians; as such, they like their men to look like ladies. And there’s your answer.

Short version: them gosh darn bleedin’-heart anti-American terrorist-sympathizing Democrats.

Ask me a question! »

This isn't a question, but I feel like it's okay to not ask something, because you're clearly not a troll.

You're answering people's question legitimately, with a hint of presumed wit that you do not actually possess.

This is a god damned "ask an [x]" thread with its own website.

GTFO

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 03:55:27 -0500

I really ought to add you to the writing team here (which, at present, is just this one poor soul).

If one rapes a hooker, is it considered stealing?

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 03:54:11 -0500

No, it’s considered rape.

You of course realize that this whole system you've created is flawed, seeing as you yourself become a very easy target for trolls. Unless you have a near infinite knowledge of memes, in-jokes, pop-culture reference, and an endless supply of witty retorts to counter anyone who tries to flame or troll you, this is going to end in tears.

inb4 tl;dr

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 22:11:31 -0500

Quite right, dear fellow.

Eventually, I’ll realize the fallacy of my ways. I’ll think of all the hopes I have crushed…or rather, the hopes I think I might have crushed. After all, those who ask questions here are probably trolls themselves, like you, and probably laugh at my seriousness; but then again, am I being serious?

As if that wasn’t TL;DR enough for you, I’m going to keep writing, because I don’t care what you think. :)

You see, from my position right now, I could go either of two ways.

I could first call your bluff and keep on writing Ask a Troll online.

Alternately, I could see all the wrong I have done. Trolling is a dark art; it serves only to boost one’s ego to cover up a broken shell of a life. My eyes will grow teary. A teardrop will fall onto my Macbook’s keyboard and it will short out (cue Mac vs PC flame war).

I will take a double blow: the loss of my dignity and my laptop will be too much for me to bear. I will sell my worldly possessions and move to the Himalayas, where I will live out my days as a sage, imparting my wisdom to all those who care to hear it.

BUT WAIT. I’ll be doing the same thing either way; only in one scenario, I’ll be on top of a cold, barren, windswept mountaintop, and in the other, I’ll be chilling out (metaphorically) in the California sun.

But…

None of that is related to the simple truth of the matter.

This is you:

And this is me.

Ask me a question! »

long version qeustion:

Everybody with even the smallest peice of intellect hates right wing partys (like republicans,nazi's and geert wilders)
If everyone hates them why do they exist and are so damm populair?
Short version;
Why even bohter politics if they cant compromise stuff

rahultoast — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 21:09:00 -0500

Well, I suppose you just answered your “long version qeustion.”

Clearly, the existence of said “right wing partys” indicates that there must be a lot of people with not even the “smallest peice of intellect,” right?

As for why “bohter” politics: they don’t know better. People generally don’t realize that politics doesn’t like to be bothered, much like a sleeping dog (derp derp).

To answer your question about the compromising: take the example of the sleeping dog. You wake him up, he gets angry, and you offer him a bone. He appears satisfied: in other words, you have compromised. BUT that doesn’t make your arse any less tasty for him. It’s quite the same in politics. Compromise is doomed to fail, but it seems like it works. So the fools keep trying to compromise…

Ask me a question! »

Ask a Troll

Why do furries exist?

I had to post this.

Where is my moustache?

So, my girlfriend and I have been going steady for the past year. I hate her now. What's the best way to break up, hopefully humiliating?

Most humans believe in a higher being. What drives this belief?

How does I kiss girl?

Hey, you wanna know a website that hardly updates? Answer: VG Cats! Oh, and this place to. You too noob to update or somethin'?

I declare this site dead

What is troll?

Do you like Twilight?

Why do people make weapons of mass destruction?

ecnedifnoc eslaf evah uoy.

Hey, why does your logo (lolgo) flash in hideous subliminal like strangeness for a second when you open the page? It's making me tempted to create Da Vinci Code like assumptions about you. Picture evidence hear: http://i43.tinypic.com/2a6jjat.jpg

Bill O'Reilly told me to hate France. Shall I begin beating them up right now with their own baguettes?

Ask a Troll now has its own domain: www.askatroll.com! Pass the...

Why has the general public been getting more sensitive and feminine?

This isn't a question, but I feel like it's okay to not ask something, because you're clearly not a troll. You're answering people's question legitimately, with a hint of presumed wit that you do not actually possess. This is a god damned "ask an [x]" thread with its own website. GTFO

If one rapes a hooker, is it considered stealing?

long version qeustion: Everybody with even the smallest peice of intellect hates right wing partys (like republicans,nazi's and geert wilders) If everyone hates them why do they exist and are so damm populair? Short version; Why even bohter politics if they cant compromise stuff

So, my girlfriend and I have been going steady for the past year.

I hate her now. What's the best way to break up, hopefully humiliating?

Hey, you wanna know a website that hardly updates? Answer: VG Cats!

Oh, and this place to. You too noob to update or somethin'?

Hey, why does your logo (lolgo) flash in hideous subliminal like strangeness for a second when you open the page? It's making me tempted to create Da Vinci Code like assumptions about you.

Picture evidence hear: http://i43.tinypic.com/2a6jjat.jpg

This isn't a question, but I feel like it's okay to not ask something, because you're clearly not a troll.

You're answering people's question legitimately, with a hint of presumed wit that you do not actually possess.

This is a god damned "ask an [x]" thread with its own website.

GTFO

long version qeustion:

Everybody with even the smallest peice of intellect hates right wing partys (like republicans,nazi's and geert wilders)
If everyone hates them why do they exist and are so damm populair?
Short version;
Why even bohter politics if they cant compromise stuff