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Anonymous asked: Why do furries exist?

What would possess a perfectly normal human to start thinking that:

• Twisted human-animal hybrids are hot;
• They have some sort of spirit animal, or “fursona”;
• Drawing porn of various animal species getting it on in human-like ways is a good use of time.

Well, in truth, the principles behind furrydom are long-established in culture. For thousands of years, warriors have associated themselves with animals. Consider the Norse berserkers: they wore pelts of animals, typically bears, as if it gave them higher powers. Indeed, the etymology of the word berserker comes from the Norse words ber (bear) and serkr (shirt). Similarly, the Aztecs had elite military units called Jaguar Warriors (no points for guessing who their spirit animals were). Animals represented various areas of life for ancient people; bears and wolves stood for power, while cattle and chickens suggested a sense of peace and domesticity.

It is entirely possible that modern-day furries echo those old traditions. Ancient people associated themselves with animals to associate themselves with the animal’s traits. Perhaps furries are simply tapping into those instincts, which modern society has repressed to the point of vestigiality.

But seriously, how low can you go? Given the sheer badassery of ancient animalistic warriors, it’s shameful that the modern-day furry movement is their legacy. If you want to be like an animal, perhaps you should stop drawing furry fanart and start being awesome. Go hunt a zebra with your bare hands or something.

Anonymous asked: Why do people make weapons of mass destruction?

Because they sell - and how! Look no further than this guy:

This (and this is assuming you’re American) is America, and in America, we’re fat. 65% of us are considered overweight or obese, if Wikipedia is to be believed. But for once, we ain’t proud of this all-American trait. So how do you get an hourglass figure when you resemble something more like a barrel?

You destroy a lot of mass. Body mass.

Weapons of mass destruction sell pretty well, not least because of an incredibly gullible populace that’s willing to buy quack science if it justifies their ways. Hence the popularity of fad diets, such as the Fatkins diet mentioned earlier as well as a slew of other lesser-known and often more draconian diet plans.

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Anonymous asked: Why has the general public been getting more sensitive and feminine?

Long version: You’re right. The public has been getting more sensitive and feminine… and it’s shameful.

So why is this happening? The answer is this: Lawyers.

You see, in modern society, you can’t just speak your mind any more. You have to be sensitive to other people’s religions, races, and creeds. These days, you have to compromise and settle things peacefully. Blech.

In the old days, if someone irritated you, you could, say, challenge them to a duel or a no rules cage match or a pie-eating contest. Inevitably, the more well-endowed man would win, and the loser would be grievously wounded - or dead.

Then the lawyers came along.

Once they showed up, the losers of these battles had found a trump card at last. They could fight back against their more masculine oppressors through litigation. Slowly, the dominance of the masculine types started to decline.

In other words, in a state of nature, the sensitive and feminine types would have been weeded out through natural selection. Litigation reversed that.

So that’s it for sensitivity. Why femininity?

Sensitivity is generally a more feminine trait than not, but that’s not the only factor involved.

This rise in sensitivity also led to the eventual almost-equality of women with men. Women are, in general, closet lesbians; as such, they like their men to look like ladies. And there’s your answer.

Short version: them gosh darn bleedin’-heart anti-American terrorist-sympathizing Democrats.

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Anonymous asked: How do you think humanity will end?

Long version: It’s impossible to say exactly how humanity will end, but you can always speculate. Here is a (very) plausible possibility:

First, someone discovers a way to make a nuclear bomb out of baking soda and vinegar. Elementary school science fairs across the nation begin to explode in thermonuclear fireballs.

This is accompanied by an increase in volcanic activity.

At the same time, the stars of Twilight form their own rock band. They collaborate with the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana to write a song mourning the losses from the science fair catastrophe. Midway through a nationally televised concert, Robert Pattinson takes off his shirt (and presumably sparkles too). Preteen girls and middle-aged women fall over dead; the combination of euphoric delight and utter revulsion must have killed them. (Feel like suffering the same fate? Click here - warning: cannot unsee).

Preteen girls are loud - very loud. So when the sound of millions of preteen girls around the world simultaneously screaming disturbs Cthulhu from his slumber at the bottom of the ocean, Cthulhu is mad.

However, he/it is too lazy/tired to go around killing/maiming what’s left of humanity.

Instead he calls on his accomplices, the Drain Monsters, to take care of that. (Drain Monsters are those things that live in your sink that make the gurgling sound as the water goes down). So anyway, when everyone goes to brush their teeth at night, they get a nasty surprise. Soon, everyone in countries that have running water suffers an inglorious fate: death by bathroom sink.

Too bad the President of the United States keeps his doomsday control panel in the bathroom. As he falls over, his head strikes the red button of death.

Right then, there’s a solar-magnetic storm. The entire GPS system is knocked offline.

Without guidance, the missiles (most of which would have been aimed at Russia) fly blind and strike other random spots around the world.

Short version: AND THEN EVERYBODY DIES

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Anonymous asked: What is the point of love, life, and existence? Aren't we all going to be dust in the wind someday?

Long answer: Is there a point to existence? Well, you are, after all, but a bag of water, protein, sugar, fat, and organic chemicals that happens to be well-organized internally. So science would say “probably not.”

However, like lemmings, people don’t normally commit mass-suicide once they realize their lives are worthless. In reality, people have developed very different ways of dealing with this difficult question.

The first is to play ignorant. In other words, LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEARRRR YOUUUUUUUUU LA LA LA LA MY LIFE HAS A PURPOSE LA LA LA. Most people choose this method, though it seems like you, having asked the question in the first place, have already rejected it. Good lad/lass.

You see, while that approach is acceptable, it’s like patching a punctured tire with bubble gum. Simply ignoring the question that you posed will always leave doubt constantly lurking in your mind like a troll on a forum, waiting, anticipating, preparing for the right moment to strike and bring forth chaos.

A second way is to subscribe to a religion. That way, to you, life becomes simply a stepping stone on the way to either:

1. sitting on a cloud chilling out with winged babies, or
2. sustaining second-degree burns until the end of days.

Doesn’t seem like a very good choice to me, somehow (though winged babies are pretty cool).

A third way is suicide, often with the perceived reward of the 72 virgins. (Ask a Troll does not endorse this!)

A fourth way is to accept the pointlessness of life and live happily. It works, sure, but it’s a bit like consoling a criminal on death row by telling him that he would have died anyway. However, the criminal’s best choice is to simply accept his fate and live his remaining days happily.

After all, aren’t we all condemned to die? Perhaps it’s best we simply accept it and enjoy our lives.

Short answer: Who cares?

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Anonymous asked: why do people cheat?

Let’s step wayyyyy back and look at nature. In social animals (like humans), survival depends on a balance between competition and cooperation. To get ahead, one had to find that balance - if they didn’t, they died.

Perhaps life in the modern world isn’t quite so “nasty, brutish, and short,” as Thomas Hobbes would say, but a similar principle applies.

The modern world is still pretty competitive, albeit in different ways. People naturally try to get ahead; maybe this is a vague remnant of that evolutionary instinct.

I’ll admit that cheating is a little different from evolutionary competition. In particular, cheating is a punishable offense; in the natural world, there obviously is no justice. However, I think the point still stands. Cheating is a selfish way to get ahead, often at the cost of others’ success.

People cheat when they’re desperate to get ahead and don’t want to do the hard work it would normally take. I think it’s actually a quite natural thing to do, if all that evolution stuff I was spewing has even a grain of truth in it.

So keep cheating, guys. It’s what nature intended.

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