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Anonymous asked: How do you think humanity will end?

Long version: It’s impossible to say exactly how humanity will end, but you can always speculate. Here is a (very) plausible possibility:

First, someone discovers a way to make a nuclear bomb out of baking soda and vinegar. Elementary school science fairs across the nation begin to explode in thermonuclear fireballs.

This is accompanied by an increase in volcanic activity.

At the same time, the stars of Twilight form their own rock band. They collaborate with the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana to write a song mourning the losses from the science fair catastrophe. Midway through a nationally televised concert, Robert Pattinson takes off his shirt (and presumably sparkles too). Preteen girls and middle-aged women fall over dead; the combination of euphoric delight and utter revulsion must have killed them. (Feel like suffering the same fate? Click here - warning: cannot unsee).

Preteen girls are loud - very loud. So when the sound of millions of preteen girls around the world simultaneously screaming disturbs Cthulhu from his slumber at the bottom of the ocean, Cthulhu is mad.

However, he/it is too lazy/tired to go around killing/maiming what’s left of humanity.

Instead he calls on his accomplices, the Drain Monsters, to take care of that. (Drain Monsters are those things that live in your sink that make the gurgling sound as the water goes down). So anyway, when everyone goes to brush their teeth at night, they get a nasty surprise. Soon, everyone in countries that have running water suffers an inglorious fate: death by bathroom sink.

Too bad the President of the United States keeps his doomsday control panel in the bathroom. As he falls over, his head strikes the red button of death.

Right then, there’s a solar-magnetic storm. The entire GPS system is knocked offline.

Without guidance, the missiles (most of which would have been aimed at Russia) fly blind and strike other random spots around the world.

Short version: AND THEN EVERYBODY DIES

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Anonymous asked: What is the point of love, life, and existence? Aren't we all going to be dust in the wind someday?

Long answer: Is there a point to existence? Well, you are, after all, but a bag of water, protein, sugar, fat, and organic chemicals that happens to be well-organized internally. So science would say “probably not.”

However, like lemmings, people don’t normally commit mass-suicide once they realize their lives are worthless. In reality, people have developed very different ways of dealing with this difficult question.

The first is to play ignorant. In other words, LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEARRRR YOUUUUUUUUU LA LA LA LA MY LIFE HAS A PURPOSE LA LA LA. Most people choose this method, though it seems like you, having asked the question in the first place, have already rejected it. Good lad/lass.

You see, while that approach is acceptable, it’s like patching a punctured tire with bubble gum. Simply ignoring the question that you posed will always leave doubt constantly lurking in your mind like a troll on a forum, waiting, anticipating, preparing for the right moment to strike and bring forth chaos.

A second way is to subscribe to a religion. That way, to you, life becomes simply a stepping stone on the way to either:

1. sitting on a cloud chilling out with winged babies, or
2. sustaining second-degree burns until the end of days.

Doesn’t seem like a very good choice to me, somehow (though winged babies are pretty cool).

A third way is suicide, often with the perceived reward of the 72 virgins. (Ask a Troll does not endorse this!)

A fourth way is to accept the pointlessness of life and live happily. It works, sure, but it’s a bit like consoling a criminal on death row by telling him that he would have died anyway. However, the criminal’s best choice is to simply accept his fate and live his remaining days happily.

After all, aren’t we all condemned to die? Perhaps it’s best we simply accept it and enjoy our lives.

Short answer: Who cares?

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