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Anonymous asked: Most humans believe in a higher being. What drives this belief?

So time to go on a quick diatribe about religion.

Religion has served many purposes throughout human history, but I think the first was probably a sort of reassurance. Way back when, the world was probably a much scarier place than it is today. Our ancestors had no way of understanding the processes that caused an earthquake or a volcanic eruption. They didn’t have radar; they never had several days’ advance warning about incoming hurricanes. That said, religion provided explanations as to why events, which would otherwise seem random, occurred. If an earthquake occurred, one could simply blame it on the gods being angry; likewise, high winds could be attributed to divine flatulence, etc.

Primitive religions, like mysticism, are by nature decentralized. With the advent of larger societies, organized religion began to take hold, which is when the focus of religion shifted from reassurance to power. Large religions wield an absurd amount of power. For instance, the Catholic Church pretty much ran Europe for most of a millennium; their coffers are still packed full of money from tithes and church taxes levied by otherwise modern countries like Germany. Mecca, which is a pretty lame city in the middle of the desert, became a prime tourist spot for devout Muslims.

So let’s get back to the original question. What drives belief?

You can’t exactly pin the answer down precisely, since different people have different rationales, and these rationales have changed through history.

The first option is that, like our long-gone ancestors, people feel the need to have an explanation for things. It’s hard to stomach the idea that things can just happen spontaneously. A prime example of this is evolution. Evolution’s a pretty elegant idea, and I’m quite convinced of its legitimacy, but even then, I sometimes am awed by the sheer complexity of the living world. It’s hard to believe that it could have just evolved on its own without some sort of unseen, guiding hand. Religion conveniently provides an explanation for this kind of stuff, and for other natural phenomena.

The second option is that people just readily subscribe to bullshit they see/hear. I’m sure people can be convinced of a higher being by watching televangelists and faith healers. These people are also likely to think that “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary.

Finally - and this probably applies to the majority of religious people - we have childhood brainwashing. Once someone is raised religious by their parents (who were presumably also raised religious by their parents), it’s tough to shake religious dogma off. As a kid, I was told not to touch books with my feet, and even though I know that it makes no sense, I instinctively avoid doing it.

In short: this belief is driven by a drunk guy without a seatbelt.

Anonymous asked: Why do people make weapons of mass destruction?

Because they sell - and how! Look no further than this guy:

This (and this is assuming you’re American) is America, and in America, we’re fat. 65% of us are considered overweight or obese, if Wikipedia is to be believed. But for once, we ain’t proud of this all-American trait. So how do you get an hourglass figure when you resemble something more like a barrel?

You destroy a lot of mass. Body mass.

Weapons of mass destruction sell pretty well, not least because of an incredibly gullible populace that’s willing to buy quack science if it justifies their ways. Hence the popularity of fad diets, such as the Fatkins diet mentioned earlier as well as a slew of other lesser-known and often more draconian diet plans.

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Anonymous asked: Bill O'Reilly told me to hate France. Shall I begin beating them up right now with their own baguettes?

Au contraire! You see, the French have brought us a number of useful innovations that they should be celebrated for.

Imagine that you’re stuck in the middle of the forest and you need to take a dump, but there’s no toilet paper around. What could be more convenient than a porcelain bidet? Plus, it tickles while it cleans!

Sports Illustrated wouldn’t have their swimsuit issue if it wasn’t for the French! The French, after all, invented the bikini and named it after a nuclear test site. How ironic.

And of course, who can forget the guillotine? It’s an indispensable tool for creating that French delicacy, tête d’un noble sur un métal argenté. 

Besides, if you had to beat up the French with their own baguettes, you’d have quite a bit of trouble doing so - they’re surprisingly hard to catch when they’re running away.

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Anonymous asked: Why has the general public been getting more sensitive and feminine?

Long version: You’re right. The public has been getting more sensitive and feminine… and it’s shameful.

So why is this happening? The answer is this: Lawyers.

You see, in modern society, you can’t just speak your mind any more. You have to be sensitive to other people’s religions, races, and creeds. These days, you have to compromise and settle things peacefully. Blech.

In the old days, if someone irritated you, you could, say, challenge them to a duel or a no rules cage match or a pie-eating contest. Inevitably, the more well-endowed man would win, and the loser would be grievously wounded - or dead.

Then the lawyers came along.

Once they showed up, the losers of these battles had found a trump card at last. They could fight back against their more masculine oppressors through litigation. Slowly, the dominance of the masculine types started to decline.

In other words, in a state of nature, the sensitive and feminine types would have been weeded out through natural selection. Litigation reversed that.

So that’s it for sensitivity. Why femininity?

Sensitivity is generally a more feminine trait than not, but that’s not the only factor involved.

This rise in sensitivity also led to the eventual almost-equality of women with men. Women are, in general, closet lesbians; as such, they like their men to look like ladies. And there’s your answer.

Short version: them gosh darn bleedin’-heart anti-American terrorist-sympathizing Democrats.

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Anonymous asked: How do you think humanity will end?

Long version: It’s impossible to say exactly how humanity will end, but you can always speculate. Here is a (very) plausible possibility:

First, someone discovers a way to make a nuclear bomb out of baking soda and vinegar. Elementary school science fairs across the nation begin to explode in thermonuclear fireballs.

This is accompanied by an increase in volcanic activity.

At the same time, the stars of Twilight form their own rock band. They collaborate with the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana to write a song mourning the losses from the science fair catastrophe. Midway through a nationally televised concert, Robert Pattinson takes off his shirt (and presumably sparkles too). Preteen girls and middle-aged women fall over dead; the combination of euphoric delight and utter revulsion must have killed them. (Feel like suffering the same fate? Click here - warning: cannot unsee).

Preteen girls are loud - very loud. So when the sound of millions of preteen girls around the world simultaneously screaming disturbs Cthulhu from his slumber at the bottom of the ocean, Cthulhu is mad.

However, he/it is too lazy/tired to go around killing/maiming what’s left of humanity.

Instead he calls on his accomplices, the Drain Monsters, to take care of that. (Drain Monsters are those things that live in your sink that make the gurgling sound as the water goes down). So anyway, when everyone goes to brush their teeth at night, they get a nasty surprise. Soon, everyone in countries that have running water suffers an inglorious fate: death by bathroom sink.

Too bad the President of the United States keeps his doomsday control panel in the bathroom. As he falls over, his head strikes the red button of death.

Right then, there’s a solar-magnetic storm. The entire GPS system is knocked offline.

Without guidance, the missiles (most of which would have been aimed at Russia) fly blind and strike other random spots around the world.

Short version: AND THEN EVERYBODY DIES

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Anonymous asked: What is the point of love, life, and existence? Aren't we all going to be dust in the wind someday?

Long answer: Is there a point to existence? Well, you are, after all, but a bag of water, protein, sugar, fat, and organic chemicals that happens to be well-organized internally. So science would say “probably not.”

However, like lemmings, people don’t normally commit mass-suicide once they realize their lives are worthless. In reality, people have developed very different ways of dealing with this difficult question.

The first is to play ignorant. In other words, LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEARRRR YOUUUUUUUUU LA LA LA LA MY LIFE HAS A PURPOSE LA LA LA. Most people choose this method, though it seems like you, having asked the question in the first place, have already rejected it. Good lad/lass.

You see, while that approach is acceptable, it’s like patching a punctured tire with bubble gum. Simply ignoring the question that you posed will always leave doubt constantly lurking in your mind like a troll on a forum, waiting, anticipating, preparing for the right moment to strike and bring forth chaos.

A second way is to subscribe to a religion. That way, to you, life becomes simply a stepping stone on the way to either:

1. sitting on a cloud chilling out with winged babies, or
2. sustaining second-degree burns until the end of days.

Doesn’t seem like a very good choice to me, somehow (though winged babies are pretty cool).

A third way is suicide, often with the perceived reward of the 72 virgins. (Ask a Troll does not endorse this!)

A fourth way is to accept the pointlessness of life and live happily. It works, sure, but it’s a bit like consoling a criminal on death row by telling him that he would have died anyway. However, the criminal’s best choice is to simply accept his fate and live his remaining days happily.

After all, aren’t we all condemned to die? Perhaps it’s best we simply accept it and enjoy our lives.

Short answer: Who cares?

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Anonymous asked: Can humans be polygamous?

Well, they already are, in some cases. For instance, consider the members of some sect or another of the Mormon church, or King Solomon, or Osama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with polygamy - to each their own, after all.

However, it is true that the vast majority of cultures have a policy of monogamy. As for why this is the case, I can’t say I know.

But consider this scenario. You’re eight years old again and going trick-or-treating. You come up to a house and find a bowl of candy outside (presumably because the master of the house doesn’t want to keep getting up). In most cases, one would just take one piece of candy and move on; that’s the good thing to do. However, the gluttonous gluttons who got there before you took ten pieces of candy apiece. Suddenly, there isn’t enough candy to go around.

So, in general, gender ratios worldwide are roughly equal, given normal circumstances and none of that gender-specific abortion crap. In other words, everyone’s (in general) entitled to pick one person to be their significant other. You (and this is assuming you’re male) are no exception. However, in search of your mate, you find that there aren’t enough women to go around, since Osama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden married three more women than he was ethically entitled to. Now doesn’t that suck? (If you’re female, a similar concept applies, though it’s nowhere as common).

Perhaps it’s because of this disequilibrium that polygamy causes that monogamy is the norm around the world. The less well-endowed demand their chance at passing their genes to the next generation.

It could also be because of the chasteness of modern society. See, elephant seal bulls fight to the death in a winner-take-all contest of masculinity. The winner of such a competition gets a lot of sex, and the losers get… well, nothing.

Since modern human society isn’t nearly cool enough to permit such a thing as a no rules deathmatch tournament (with sex as the prize, of all things), humans instead are reduced to flirting.

Well, I suppose it’s better than the hair shenanigans from Avatar.

Anonymous asked: Mr. Troll, why is it so common that most males attempt to troll under the guise of being a woman?

Long version: On the Internet, there is a great degree of anonymity. That means that you can do things that you wouldn’t normally think about in a real-life social setting (ever heard of 4chan?). It makes trolling a lot easier, though arguably not as satisfying as in real life.

So as for why women: it’s because of a (probably true) stereotype that the vast majority of internet lurkers are single nerds. Misery begets company, so without any real-life success in matters of the heart, they turn to the Internet to find other single nerds to chum around with.

Except once in a while on the internet, a ray of hope shines through, as a girl/woman appears! Suddenly, the nerds feel, there is hope!

However, the anonymity of the internet means that it is difficult to verify the true identity of said woman; it makes it pathetically easy to fool unsuspecting people. Because of that, it enables the troll to laugh at the false hope he gives all these other fools.

Short version: laughing at others’ inability to find love is a great way to get over the fact that you’re single yourself.

Anonymous asked: why do people cheat?

Let’s step wayyyyy back and look at nature. In social animals (like humans), survival depends on a balance between competition and cooperation. To get ahead, one had to find that balance - if they didn’t, they died.

Perhaps life in the modern world isn’t quite so “nasty, brutish, and short,” as Thomas Hobbes would say, but a similar principle applies.

The modern world is still pretty competitive, albeit in different ways. People naturally try to get ahead; maybe this is a vague remnant of that evolutionary instinct.

I’ll admit that cheating is a little different from evolutionary competition. In particular, cheating is a punishable offense; in the natural world, there obviously is no justice. However, I think the point still stands. Cheating is a selfish way to get ahead, often at the cost of others’ success.

People cheat when they’re desperate to get ahead and don’t want to do the hard work it would normally take. I think it’s actually a quite natural thing to do, if all that evolution stuff I was spewing has even a grain of truth in it.

So keep cheating, guys. It’s what nature intended.

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Anonymous asked: Why do we love?

That depends on the perspective you have towards love.

Let me let out the cynic in me first. At its most basic levels, love is a set of very complex chemical reaction (as is life). At a very primal level, it’s just a way to ensure the presence of and good health of offspring. In fact, there’s even evidence to indicate that people are attracted to other people with dissimilar immune systems, which would give the offspring greater immunity. Check the article out; it’s a good read.

And while there’s certainly enough truth in that idea, I don’t think that’s all. After all, humans are more than the sum of their parts. Humans are made of water, protein, sugar, nucleic acid, and an uncountable number of other chemicals, but simply adding these ingredients together doesn’t guarantee self-awareness, or sentience.

The key word there is sentience. It’s because we are aware of ourselves that we can ponder questions such as the one you asked. We have active minds.

Consider the range of attitudes couples have towards kids. Some couples have large families; others don’t want children. So, in humans, love isn’t just about reproductive success.

And that’s where the mind comes in. While this is my personal conviction, I would be hard-pressed to believe that purely physical relationships are loving in nature. I think the key to love has to do with the mind.

True love, I believe, is when someone finds in another person their mental complement. Humans are social creatures, and most of us desire some degree of companionship. Time to go really abstract: in a loving relationship, one finds in another a state of mind that could enable both to advance some common interest.

But since this isn’t a philosophy journal, I’ll simplify it. People love in order to unconsciously make their minds happier.

I somehow doubt this response, despite its length, gave much closure. But at the same time, love really isn’t easily understood. I hate to say it, but your question is one that will probably plague people until the extinction of humanity.

So take your pick:

1. the abstract stuff about mental complements
2. electricity and chemicals

I know which of those two answers is more plausible. :)

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